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My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Jaime King, Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith

All these horror movies are slasher films now. I like them, they're fun, but they wink at the audience and you're really not terrified through the movie. –Gina Philips, a scream queen.

The stereoscopic (3-D) movie going experience is like a Bay Watch girl. It is interesting to look at but unless there is some content (depth) beneath the surface, as time goes on, it eventually gets on your nerves and you cannot stand being around it for more than a few moments. Before there were talkies (sound on film) or colorized film stock, 3-D technology was being tinkered with and seen by some as the next evolution in cinema. The problem is after 112 years of effort, it is still a gimmick to con audiences into the theater that does not quite work and gets in the way of storytelling. Yet, every time Hollywood feels economically threatened, it turns towards the 3-D movie process instead of strengthening the narratives it tells.

Even though William Friese-Greene had patented 3-D movie making in the 1890s, it was always seen as too expensive to even be considered, but a bad idea is not easy to give up. It was the fear of television and the availability of plastics for disposable glasses that suddenly kicked 3-D movie making into high gear in the 1950s. There was genuine fear in Hollywood that people would not pay to go to the cinema when they could stay home and watch their televisions for free. In 1952, Bwana Devil, a jungle film about two man-eating lions, was released. Promising audiences “a lion in your lap, a lover in your arms,” it was a huge success. The next year Warner Brothers put out Vincent Price’s House of Wax. The horror film was so popular it was credited with saving the studio, which was on the verge of going under and made Price a huge star. Films like It Came From Outer Space, 13 Ghosts, House on Haunted Hill, Kiss Me Kate, Hondo, Miss Sadie Thompson, The Tingler and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis’ Money From Home soon followed. Within two years, audiences had had their fill of such movies and the golden age of 3-D cinema was over. Still, Hollywood continued to try to beckon audiences back with the technology. In 1954, bosomy Jane Russell was squeezed into tight fitting, revealing costumes in the musical The French Line, which bore the tagline "It'll knock both of your eyes out!" RKO Studios never said what “it” was, but every teenage boy in America knew what “it” was. When one gimmick does not work, try two.

Yet, over the next half century, 3-D technology continued to be a gimmick that Tinseltown used to draw viewers in to B-grade material such as Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Parasite, The Bubble and franchises that were wearing out their welcome like Jaws 3-D, Amityville 3-D, and Friday the 13^th Part 3. (Trivia question: What is the most financially successful 3-D film ever made? Answer: The Stewardesses (1969), a soft core porn. To me there are some things you don’t want coming out at you in three dimensions. Still, The Stewardesses, made in 1969 is the most successful 3-D movie of all time. A remake of this movie is in the planning stages, and producers promise that audiences will truly enjoy “real triple D” filmmaking. God bless America.)

Yet again, Hollywood is feeling threatened with teenagers spending time on the internet and with video games. Rather than hire better writers or come up with ideas that might hook the youngsters, the land of dreams is embracing 3-d technology like Linus reaching for his security blanket. If you do not believe that creativity is taking a backseat to gimmicks, purchase a ticket to My Bloody Valentine 3-D. Title sound familiar? The original Canadian production which sought to cash in on the slasher horror rage at the time was one of the low moments in cinematic history. In order to cash in, producers thought they needed to out gross an already bloody genre. With the film’s tagline being “Valentine’s Day will never be the same again…,” the film would never be the same after the MPAA got a hold of it and demanded that 9 minutes be cut from it due to the violent nature of what unfolded on screen. For a ratings agency that is extremely loose when it comes to blood and gross and strict when it comes to female nudity, the objectionable material was a line in the sand. It told the story of a mine explosion in the sleepy town of Valentine Bluffs. The sole survivor of the explosion was Harry Warden, who survived for six weeks on the flesh of his co-workers. Insane, after years in an institution, Harry escapes to wreck havoc on a Valentine’s Day celebration. Given its heritage and lack of almost any artistic value, it is little wonder that it has a huge cult fan base including director Quentin Tarantino.

When you have the gimmick of the knife/kill flick, coupled with the gimmick of a brand name horror fans already know and 3-D technology, who needs creativity. Add to this pie, a television actress Jaime King (“My Name Is Earl”) who is looking to break out of the ghetto she has found herself in before she adds a wrinkle or two to her face and a pound or two around her waist. Former ‘Days of Our Lives” hunk Jensen Ackles plays Tom Hanniger who through inexperience, caused an accident that trapped six of his fellow workers, with only one survivor, Harry Warden, who seemed to be in a permanent coma. Harry wakes up a year to the date of the accident and has only one thing on his mind, revenge. He kills 22 people before he himself is dispatched. It is Valentine’s Day again and Tom has returned to the town of Harmony and feelings for an ex-girlfriend, Sarah (King). Of course, the dead cannot stay dead, and a loony wearing a miner’s mask and carrying a pickax is on the loose. Is it Harry Warden coming after them? I have already spent longer on the plot than the writer probably did and feel like I need to take a shower because of it.

It is what it is, a low-rent slasher pic, - basically violence porn. I truly hate these kind of films, not because of the subject matter, but because of the cynicism involved in their production. Knife/kill flicks like the original Saw and Scream have a joy about themselves. They were made by people who truly enjoy the genre. This kind of thing is all about the cash and getting as many butts in the seats as possible and the only way you do that is through punch the numbers gimmicks.

With IMAX and director James Cameron’s Reality Camera System, the 3-D format might have a future, especially because Hollywood continues to believe that stereoscopic technology has a future in modern cinema. Major blockbusters like The Polar Express, Monster House, Chicken Little, Spider-Man 3, and The Dark Knight have all been reshot for the 3-D/IMAX experience. They are putting their money where their mouths are. Yet, it will be another 112 years before 3-D has a real place in movie making if Hollywood does not come to grips with the fact that it should serve the story and not just be a gimmick.

Verdict: Awful