The Expendables

Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Staham, Jet Li

As an NPR listening, bleeding heart leftist leaning, Merchant-Ivory watching, Noam Chomsky reading, self-proclaimed feminist, movie critic who enjoys films with subtitles. My aunt claims that I am a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. Yes, I have a Lilith Fair cd and a Days Of Our Lives pink t-shirt and don’t make fun of it. I am always trying to figure out the best way to communicate who would enjoy a certain picture. So, when I sat down to watch The Expendables, I saw it was directed by, and stars, Sylvester Stallone. Sylvester Stallone – Rambo, Tango & Cash, Rocky, “Yo Adrienne,” Why do I suddenly want to start throwing air punch combinations? I have a David Sedaris book to finish.

Also starring:

Jason Statham – The cool English dude doing all the roles that The Rock and Vin Diesel should be doing, and he is an expert with a knife? Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, The Transporter series, Crank, and Cellular. Huh? Why am I suddenly hungry for barbeque? I got a perfectly good tofu burger in the frig. But beef sounds so good right now, knock the horns of that cow and throw it on the grill. Trevor, like barbeque.

Jet Li – The little guy with all those amazing kung fu moves. Fearless, Unleashed, Romeo Must Die, the Once Upon A Time In China series and Hitman. Why am I humming “Everybody is Kung Fu Fighting”? Barbeque is definitely on tonight.

Eric Roberts – The crazy looking guy from the 1980s? Julia’s brother is a corrupt CIA agent? Loved Star 80, The Pope of Greenwich Village, and Runaway Train. This Ani DiFranco I am listening to is good, but for some reason I want to listen to my old Poison, Ozzy, and Judas Priest cds. Maybe I put them in a box in the garage?

Dolph Ludgren – “If he dies, he dies.” Universal Soldier, The Punisher, and Rocky IV. He is a sniper in this? Oh, oh, oh. I could look like him if I went to the gym more, maybe did a little gas. [or quit eating do-nuts – pub.]

David Zayas – The Spanish looking dude from the prison series OZ is the main baddy. Did you see what he did to that one guy? I never want to go to prison. “Dexter,” 16 Blocks, and The Interpreter. Why are my nipples hard?

Mickey Rourke – He was the man in the 1980s. Barfly, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, Nine ½ Weeks, oh Kim Basinger, if I could only come back as an ice cube in that movie, The Wrestler, Sin City, and Rumble Fish. He really got in the boxing ring in the 80s. I could be in a fight club. Do fight clubs really exist?

Steve Austin – What? Stone Cold. The Rattlesnake. Austin 3:16 says I just kicked your ass. Pro wrestling was so great back when he was champ. Remember when Mick Foley and him were… Why the hell do I have tickets to a wine tasting event, I could really use a beer right now.

Lauren Jones – The WWE Diva with the huge… drool. She also did all those work out videos. I could give her a wor… Yes, dear? We have tickets to Margret Cho. Nothing says funny like a fat chick, babe… I meant, yes dear.

Randy Coulture – The UFC fighter. Ho… ho… ho…those fights between Chuck Liddell and him. He is a demolitions expert in this thing named Toll Road. Oh, ho, ho.

Antônio Rodrigo "Minotauro" Nogueira – another MMA fighter. God, it is like a Rush Limbaugh wet dream. He kicked Bob Sapp’s head in. What? His twin brother and fellow butt kicker Antônio Rogério Nogueira is also in this? Why am I crying? This is almost as good as my dream of the Miss America contest including wet t-shirt and jello wrestling segments. How can it get better?

Gary Daniels – the kick boxer and b-action film star. Fist of the North Star, Cold Harvest, American Streetfighter, White Tiger, Bloodmoon, Recoil, Rage, and Firepower. He wants revenge on the Expendables for kicking him out? Oh, there is an old Andrew “Dice” Clay concert on Comedy Central. Must see. “Hickory, Dickory, Dock, a chick…” What dear? Nothing. Just trying to remember that line from the Susan Sontag poem “When Stress Falls”.

Terry Crews – The football player. Linebacker and defensive end for the Rams, Chargers, Redskins, and Eagles. He is a big, big boy. He was a Battle Dome fighter and the he-man in White Chicks who thought the boys were really chicks. He was Big T. I would have given anything to play pro football. Wimpy quarterbacks. He is Hale Caesar, a weapons expert. It is like a Republican recruiting drive. I really should have voted for John McCain and that crazy S &M soccer mom. This cannot get any better.

Bruce Willis – Bruce “Die Hard” Willis is Mr. Church, the guy who hired The Expendables. The Last Boy Scout, Pulp Fiction, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense, Sin City, and “Moonlighting.” I would go change the oil in my car if I knew how to change the oil in my car, or go build something. The only way this could get better is if some how Arnold Schwarzenegger took a break from his governor duties and showed up in it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – No way. Total Recall, Terminator, True Lies, “I am here to pump you up” and “I’ll be back” Arnold is doing a cameo as Trench, an old rival of Sly’s? Why couldn’t they have done a movie together in the 1980s. Me like.

Stallone, Arnold and Bruce are on screen together for the first time ever? Oh, oh, oh, oh, if only there was a monster truck involved, I could die a happy man. Damn you Kurt Russell, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes, Danny Trejo and Steven Segal for turning down roles in this thing. I know that the awesomeness factor might have been such that it could have destroyed the earth, but it is a risk you should have been willing to take.

What is the plot? Who cares? It is Sly, Arnold, Dolph, Mickey Rourke, MMA fighters and pro wrestlers and there are sequels planned. Sequels, people!!! Sequels mean more he-men joining up. It is like Ocean’s Eleven but more cool, with guys you would want to hang out with, dip a little chew, smoke some stogies, talk about chicks, and work on motorcycles with, however you do that. The plot is about the US and other nations assembling a special forces team to over throw a corrupt South American dictator. They are on their own. No outside help. It is butt kicking time. All that stands between them and success is, well, an army. Did I read that there will be R and a PG-13 versions for the DVD release? Please, don’t wake me. I am back in the 1980s. Listening to Bruce Springsteen. Dreaming of how I am going to get that girl Beth in my class to notice me and how she will handle my introducing Molly Ringwald into our relationship. Life is so good.

Verdict: If you jumped when you saw the cast, this film is for you.