The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
(Almost empty Dennys restaurant)
Waitress: “What you writing?”
Me: “Notes.”
Waitress: “Notes for what?”
Me: “I write porn films. Maybe you have seen a couple of my productions, Tigers Got Wood, The Joy Suck Club, XXX-Men, or Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy.”
Waitress: “Really?”
Me: “No, I’m joking. I’m a critic, well, kind of a critic.”
Waitress: “Well, don’t hammer us too hard. I know the eggs were a little runny.”
Me: “No, movies.”
Waitress: “So, what are you writing?”
Me: “I am trying to figure out a funny way of saying I am sick of glittery vampires.”
Waitress: “Don’t you dare say that.”
Me: “I AM SICK OF GLITTERY VAMPIRES.”
Waitress: “Shut up. You got to see the newest Twilight movie?”
Me: (sigh) “Afraid so.”
Waitress: “I love that series. It is so dreamy.”
Me: “How old are you, twelve?”
Waitress: “Hum, 30s.”
Me: “Yeah, okay, whatever, and you like glittery vampires?”
Waitress: (placing her hands to her heart) “Of course. It is so romantic.”
Me: “But it is just so sugary. More people are going to get diabetes from that movie series than from your pie and there is so much high fructose corn syrup in this thing that there should be a shuttle bus right outside the door to take patrons to the hospital to have their foot cut off.”
Waitress: (sitting down in my booth) “I just love it.”
Me: “It is Anne Rice for the teenybopper, Britney Spears set.”
Waitress: “I don’t like scary vampires.”
Me: “That is whole purpose of vampires. White fangs. Creepy vibe. Drinking blood. Dead bodies. There is about a hundred vampire films that are a thousand times better. Maybe you have seen some of them, 30 Days of Night, Blade, Thirst, Interview With A Vampire, From Dusk Till Dawn, Shadow of the Vampire, or the original Nosferatu?
Waitress: “I don’t like those kinds of vampires.”
Me: “Even Summit Entertainment knows that there is a limited shelf life on this bubble gum franchise and are trying to push these things out as fast as possible. These movies are like New Kids on the Block or Wham. The American people are going to wake up one day and wonder what the hell they were smoking to have liked that junk.”
Waitress: “But it is so romantic. The problem is you’re a man and like most men don’t have a romantic bone in your body.”
Me: “That is not true. Men are much more romantic than women. Almost every psychological survey backs that up. More men believe in love at first sight. Men fall in love faster. For example, 20 percent of men know they are in love compared to 15 percent of women. After twenty dates, 43 percent of women still do not know if they have been stung by Cupid’s arrow, compared to 30 percent of men. Men are more idealistic about love, while women are much more concerned about social position and income. Men are even more likely to believe that if two people love each other they should have no trouble getting along in marriage. Women are more likely to initiate a break up while men are more likely to fight until the bitter end to make things work out. Men suffer more emotionally in the aftermath with depression, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. In a Yale Study, men were more likely to list their wife or girlfriend as the person they loved most, compared to women, who were just as likely to list` their best girlfriend.
Waitress: “What are you, Monk or something?”
Me: “Just because you are more romantic does not mean you have to like claptrap and dribble. Come on the main female heroine’s name is Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart). Beautiful Swan? That name is right up there with Seymour Butts and I.P. Freely. The books are not great literature.”
Waitress: “You can make money or be great literature. I love the books. I always read them after I watch each movie. Does Bella and that hunky vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) stay together, or does she hook up with that equally handsome werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner)? I would love to have a werewolf and a vampire fight over me.”
Me: “I think I just threw up in my mouth. They still got one or two films left to go in the franchise, depending how much they want to milk it, so you know that there is no final answer to that question, yet.”
Waitress: “What happens in it?”
Me: “Bella is once again the chick in the refrigerator box, the damsel in distress tied to the railroad tracks. Seattle is beset by a string of killings and a female vampire continues to seek revenge. Poor Bella has to choose between her gay looking boyfriend, or her gay looking best friend, which might reignite the struggle between the vampires and werewolves all over again. Do you have any green tea?”
Waitress: “This is Denny’s, idiot. Back to my question, does Edward let her visit Jacob and does he know who is behind the killings? More importantly, does Edward propose to Bella?”
Me: “You know, every woman I have ever dated has always asked my permission on everything. Even suggestions are greeted with that “who the hell are you” look. Yes, he gives her permission to see her friend Jacob because he knows that the werewolves will not hurt her. Alice has a vision that tells her it is Victoria. Yes, yes, Edward proposes to Bella. It is all very hearts and flowers. But Edward and the Cullen family soon realize that it is an army of newborn vampires, controlled by Victoria, that are on a killing spree. This means the Cullens must join up with the wolf pack to stop mean old Victoria. Of course, Edward and Jacob who are training together in the mountains, find this wonderful waterfall and decide to go for a swim. Then Edward asks Jacob to soap his back… I am making that last part up. But Bella kisses Jacob when he gets all upset after he overhears that Edward and Bella are engaged and then threatens to get himself killed in the fight. With one kiss, Bella realizes she loves Jacob too… I do not know if it is the pie or the story but my stomach is not doing too well.”
Waitress: “What happened? What happened? Who did she chose?”
Me: “You got to watch the movie.”
Verdict: Hate this series