This year I am going to try to be nicer to stupid people. Well, these people are not
really stupid because on the surface they have normal IQs and seem to be fully
functioning in society. The real world is ignorant, but for this essay I am going to use
the word stupid because it just seems right. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, “God
sure must have loved stupid people, because He sure made a lot of them.” (Okay,
Lincoln did not say this.)
Let me make this perfectly clear, everybody is entitled to an opinion on any subject,
but not all opinions are equal. The other day I heard a friend say, “Ronald Reagan is
the greatest president in the history of this country.” That is his opinion. While I
basically hear it like one of the adults in the Peanuts comic strip is talking. I don’t
like rating the greatness of presidents given they each inherited their own unique
circumstances that are often lost in history, this person is also, not to put too fine a
point on it, stupid or they are smoking crack. The fact that in Gallup Polls a few
years ago, 19 percent of the population agreed with my friend. This means they are
stupid or smoking crack as well. [pub. note – Trevor is on his own here!]
Everyone is dumb in some area. For example, I am completely ignorant when it
comes to cars. When someone is talking to me about the engine in their vehicle,
“MWA MWA MWA MWA.” I have no eye for color or fashion. A few years ago when I
took a class on how to dress, I was shocked to discover there are different colors and
thicknesses when it comes to khakis pants, and seasons dictate what should be
worn when. This gentleman who picks out the wardrobes of some of the most
powerful men in the state, still calls me “you poor thing.” That means my opinion in
those areas should really not be trusted. My opinion might be better than a Zulu
warrior, but not much. [pub. note – Any Zulu Warrior dresses better than Trevor! Feel
free to hunt him down like any game.]
We all have bad wiring in our heads and hold on to stupid notions and ideas that
have no correlation with reality. There are men out there that hold on to their
underwear like it is the shroud of Turin, trying to get one last wear out of it before
the elastic completely gives out. If an airplane could land on your permanent skid
mark stain, it is time to call a Hazmat crew and get rid of them. There are people that
eat lutefisk willingly and not just because they are poor. There are fans of Dane
Cook, people that think Trevor Noah was a good hire and even individuals that
would go to a tavern where Bill Cosby was the bartender. How else can you make
sense out of Trump supporters, Scientology, and the Fast and Furious movie
It might be true that stupid is as stupid does, but America might be the only
country where we take great pride in our stupidity. We wrap the flag around
ourselves and have sparklers going while we tap dance off the high dive into a pool
of unwashed ignorance as the band plays God Bless America. I know that part of this
is due to the frontier myth and America’s long held suspicion towards education and
inability to understand the scientific process. Still, we all need to take a break from
the stupid and stop pretending we are living out a Tom Arnold movie marathon.
At the founding of this country, when Jesus was riding a dinosaur, it was fine to
utter as many stupid things as possible. (Dinosaurs and humans have not existed
during the same time period. Fossils are not Satan’s trick on humanity. The
Flintstones is not a documentary. You are free to believe otherwise. But given those
pesky little things called objective facts, you are stupid.) Today a person cannot
move over the next hill, lock their door, and escape it. With today’s social media, it is
stupid in stereo.
I am trying so hard to not say things this year to people when I know there is no
profit from it. I am going to come off as a jerk. But it is so hard. A few months back,
sweet little old ladies were working in their church. Truly adding to the greater
good. They started talking about all the strange weather the last few years. My heart
grows three sizes with pride because I think they are about to talk about climate
change. If gray panthers can change their stripes, there is hope for all of us.
Instead one of the women says, “You know why the weather is so strange? Sexual
immorality. God does not like the gays getting married and He is punishing us.
Trevor, why is your eye twitching?”
“No reason,” I replied.
They all agreed with her. Inside my brain, all I could picture in my head was a
father holding his young son’s hand in front of a tombstone, as he said, “Your great-
grandma would still be with us if the mean fat man had not caused her to have a
heart attack by saying that was the stupidest thing he ever heard as she was serving
her Lord and Savior.”
Another example. I am eating one of the greatest cookies ever, kringla, and I am
interested in possibly seeing this young lass in a romantic sort of way. Her mother,
who I have known for years, walks up to me with a beer in her hand and starts to
lecture me about the evils of gluten. Let me repeat, she is drinking a beer, which is
basically gluten water talking about the evils of gluten.
I know it did not really happen but in my mind an angel popped up on one shoulder
and a devil on the other.
Devil: Tell her she is full of it. Point out the beer. Point out the beer. And then let her
have it about that gluten mumbo jumbo.
Angel: Trevor, look at that beautiful young woman you want to go out with. Think
about how many wonderful evenings you could spend with her if you stay on her
good side and bite your tongue.
Devil: But doesn’t it feel so good to be right? You want to tell this woman off and
then you can bathe in the righteousness of being a pompous ass. It will be glorious.
Angel: Trevor, you might get to see her naked someday. (Only on the wedding night.
This is a family paper.) Doesn’t potential nudity trump all?
Devil: Yeah, she is really pretty. I think we are all in agreement here…
Me: I can’t. I got to be right. Me so stupid.
For anyone upset with me, if you have a gluten problem and there are people that
have serious issues with gluten in their diets, I hope you have or are seeing an
allergist who will help you diagnose if you have a real problem and then deal with it.
Otherwise, if you are diagnosing yourself, possibly with the help of the lady that
works at Whole Foods and took a two-hour seminar on how to be a Native American
medicine woman even though she is of European ancestry, you are stupid.
Gluten is good for you. Bread is the staff of life. There is no scientific study,
anywhere, let me repeat, anywhere that shows gluten is bad for you. You are
entitled to your Dr. Oz eating sticks and grass craziness, but don’t lecture me.
While I am at it, vaccinate your kids. There is no link between vaccines and autism.
Don’t take my word for it. Go to a pediatrician. They are not in the pockets of big
pharma. They are in the pockets of keeping your kid and other ankle biters alive.
The science is settled here. You are free to be stupid. Up to a point.
Now, I don’t care if your little whippersnapper contorts like a Mexican jumping
bean and dies because of your privileged ignorance. Great. Wonderful. One more
extra empty chair at a restaurant for me. Here is the thing. You are putting other
people’s children at risk, children that are too young to get the vaccine, children
with real medical conditions that don’t allow them to get the vaccine. You are
putting them at risk and that is morally unforgiveable.
I thought with the Internet, an entire library of the world’s knowledge at one’s
fingertips, stupidity would have gone the way of the dinosaur. Instead the Internet
seems to be the Johnny Appleseed of stupidity at times. I have to put up with
Libertarians that attend land grant colleges. There should be a rule that you cannot
complain about others getting a government check if a family member or you have
gotten one. Gun nuts. Middle-aged white males mentioning Benghazi more than
people who actually live there. You think if you say the word “Benghazi” four times
really fast in the bathroom mirror, Hillary Clinton will appear behind you, but it is a
tragedy in search of a scandal that cannot find one. Reagan, the greatest president
ever, lost 220 marines in Lebanon and a bipartisan congress did not use the tragedy
to try to get Reagan. We have turned stupidity into an art form. Maybe it is coming
from the top down or it could be a grassroots thing.
And maybe I am stupid for wanting to be right.