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our beloved essayist at work.
We really are not sure what
his creative process involves,
we just print the results.
Trump’s “Women” Problem
I don’t remember General and future President of the United States Dwight
David Eisenhower on the eve of D-Day, the Allied invasion of Europe during World
War II, turning to one of his female staff members and saying, “Can you spank me
with a rolled up Stars and Stripes?”
George Washington, as his soldiers were being loaded into boats to cross the
Delaware River to attack the British, did not say, “Can you give me a second? I see
there is a girl’s school down the road and I want to make sure I walk in on these
underage girls changing clothes. It is one of the benefits of being the father of this
I doubt Abraham Lincoln stood on the fields of Gettysburg during the carnage
of the Civil War and intoned, “Four score and seven years ago, I grabbed them by
I cannot recall Herbert W. Kalmbach, Richard Nixon’s personal lawyer at the
height of Watergate saying, “The President did not technically rape his wife because
at the moment of accusation it was legally impossible for a husband to rape his
I am sure it is not written down in the history books that Teddy Roosevelt
looked up at San Juan Hill and said to his aide, “After we kick a little Spanish butt,
track down a couple of Russian prostitutes for me and see how much extra they
The news media likes to claim that Donald J. Trump is a “different kind of
president.” No, Barack Obama was a “different kind of president.” Hillary Clinton, if
she had won, would have been a “different kind of president.” Donald Trump is just
another old white guy.
President Harry Truman once said, “I don’t care if you respect me, but you are
damn well going to respect the office.” The only difference between Trump and the
forty-two white guys before him is Trump does not respect the office. That does not
make him different; just historically and ethically tone deaf.
It is not like he is even the first hound dog president. John Kennedy and
Lyndon Johnson were legendary womanizers. Franklin Roosevelt, in a wheelchair,
somehow managed to carry on with his wife’s personal secretary. I believe they are
still fumigating the closet just off the Oval Office from Warren Harding’s dalliances
with Nan Britton. With a few notable exceptions, there is something about the
relationship between the will to power and masculinity that have caused some of our
past presidents to misbehave in amazingly entertaining ways.
Remember when President William Jefferson Clinton tried to live out one of
those awful 1980s teenage sex comedy movies, but instead of being a college
senior in Daytona Beach he was just a creepy middle-aged man in the Oval Office
and, instead of a bikini clad babe, the girl was a pretty intern in a thong carrying a
pizza? There was probably not a Hee-Haw Honey in Arkansas that he did not have
his paws on. Conservative moms and dads across America asked, “What are we
going to tell the children?”
There was hysteria across America. Fainting couches were installed across the
fruited plain. Even the ghost of Hester Prynne was forced to cover her eyes. How
were parents going to explain this “unnatural act” that came from the ideals of
the1960s? Which in truth was not “unnatural” and came from young men trying to
find a loophole in the repressive religion they were raised in and Bill Clinton, if not
anything, was a good ol’ southern boy. Even though I disagreed with many people
on the issue, I did not believe the president’s actions merited impeachment. I do
have a lot of respect for their ideals and faith when it came to their outrage.
Well, like Spinal Tap, when it comes to this current president, turn the creepy
factor up to eleven. He is the carrot-colored Caligula. Over twenty women have
stepped forward with stories of being groped by him. He, not the mainstream media,
talked on the Howard Stern Show about how he loved owning beauty contests
because he enjoyed walking in on girls changing their clothes (even when they were
Even though he lamely claimed it was not his voice a few months ago, it is his
voice that can be heard on the Billy Bush party bus talking about how being a
celebrity allowed him to sexually assault women. His friends, not the media, have
talked openly about the amoral means he has gone to in order to bed his friends’
wives and girlfriends. Then throw in two Russian hookers, a few actresses, a couple
of porn stars, a Playboy Playmate, and probably enough non-disclosure agreements
that his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen probably has a hernia from their weight and
you have a walking Dear Penthouse letter on two legs.
Yet, strangely, the only thing you are hearing from conservative parents is
crickets. Leaders of the Christian right say they are willing to give him a mulligan on
his wanting to relive the Porky’s franchise in his personal life. There were those
wonderful WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets a few years back. So, in a
moment of crisis, a person could look down at it and hopefully do the right thing. I
am pretty sure the answer to WWJD for Donald Trump was not Stormy Daniels,
Jessica Drake, and enough silicon in breast implants to be declared a toxic waste
dump at a golf retreat while his third wife is recovering from the birth of your child.
What is easier to explain to a child? What Bill Clinton did or explaining why the
president enjoyed being spanked by a Republican porn star with a rolled up Forbes
President Trump has a women problem, and not just about his serial
philandering over the course of three marriages. While his James Brown Super
Freak bedroom activity is interesting and makes you want to shower away all the
dirt, there is his turning a blind eye towards the abuse of women.
His advisor Steve Bannon choked his wife, let me repeat, choked her and
physically assaulted her. Don’t take my word for it. Take the Santa Monica police
report’s word for it. He was gold in Donald’s eyes, had his office right next to the
president, until he got too big for his britches and became Sloppy Steve. Trump tried
to appoint Andrew Puzder to serve as Secretary of Labor until the public got wind
that the former Hardee’s and Carls, Jr. CEO had been accused of battering his first
wife to the point that she had “two ruptured discs and two bulging discs.” The White
House Staff Secretary, Rob Porter, physically abused not just one wife, but two, and
could not pass his FBI top secret security clearance because of it. All fine and dandy
until a picture of the beaten face of one of his former wives surfaced on-line.
Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here.” Donald Trump must believe that
Buck must be the guy who carries his golf clubs because everyone else is to blame
for these accusations and problems but him. Imagine the outrage if Obama had a
wife beater, who could be open to blackmail, handling top secret information in his
administration. Conservative congressmen would still be holding hearings over it
when they would be lowering the 105-year-old Obama’s casket into the ground.
Instead, if you listen, crickets.
Donald Trump has a “women” problem. I am also not just talking about that
debate where he shadowed Hillary Clinton like the creepy gym teacher trying to
grope a lady or the dozens of women he has gotten in Twitter wars with, where he
has called them fat pigs and the like or even when he suggested that a female
reporter was irrational because she “had blood coming out her whatever.” He has
gotten another mulligan for all that.
His “women” problem is pretty simple. Moms care about their kids. They don’t
like them being shot in their schools. They don’t like to hear their babies’ stomachs
rumble because the president wants to cut funding to the SNAP (Supplemental
Nutrition Assistance Program) and send magical food boxes instead. They don’t like
their children’s health care at risk in wars over CHIP (Children Health Insurance
Program) and Obamacare. They like their children to have clean water and clean air.
They don’t want their children to die in a nuclear war. They don’t like laws designed
to protect their handicapped children being gutted. They don’t like their daughters
being groped and fondled. They don’t like it for their children and not for other
women’s children. Moms are kind of cool that way. The “Me Too” movement has a
lot of men quaking in their boots, but I would be more afraid of moms in general
when they start to feel enough is enough. There is no force on earth scarier than a
mom who feels one of her cubs is in danger.
It is funny, but you also hear crickets on the religious right on these issues,
issues that Jesus would probably have a lot of concern about. I guess they are
giving the president a mulligan on those things, too! I would never say they are
hypocritical. But if Christianity is ever made illegal, I am pretty sure a good lawyer
could get them off by asking if they support President Trump 100%.