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Trevor's Movie Review |
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This is just a simulation of our beloved movie reviewer at work. We really are not sure what his creative process involves, we just print the results. |
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Mary, Mother of Christ Camila Belle, Al Pacino, Jessica Lange, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Peter O’Toole Jesus says, “Mother I couldn't stay another day
longer” I am just going to throw this out here. If you take the New Testament seriously, why did God choose Mary and Joseph, a poor peasant couple? Maybe it is the writer in me, but I do like the nativity story. It is so simple and beautiful, and if you take a moment, close your eyes, you can put yourself in the shoes of the young newlyweds. It had been a long way from Nazareth in Galilee, to Bethlehem, for the census that the emperor Augustus had decreed. Hours of knocking on doors. Her about to give birth. Just trying to find a place. “My wife is in labor. Is there a place we can stay?” “No.” Too many no’s to even count. “No.” “No.” “No.” Finally, they find one place to get in out of the cold, a dirty, smelly barn, not the kind of place you want your son born. There she gives birth. Visitors had come and gone. I see her lying in the straw, exhausted from hours of painful childbirth. Her energy sapped. Joseph, seated, leans against a wall. His eyes heavy, filled with the weight that only a new father has. How is he going to provide for his new family? He has already failed this baby so far. Two people are now depending on him. He knows that every day will bring a new worry, a new fear. Yet, as you gaze at this young couple, babies themselves really, if you listen, you can hear another noise. Faint. In the distance. You can barely hear it. King Herod knows of the birth of this future king. He does not know who he is. Just that he is out there, somewhere. Furious, he orders all the boys less than two years of age killed. Listen. You can hear the soldiers’ boots as they march in time. They stop. A knock on a door. The breaking of wood. Shouts. The cry of a child. Painful silence. Then the cries and weeping of a mother that comes from a place that none of us want to go and it cuts you to the bone. Painful words, “Rachel weeps for her children and refuses to be comforted, because they are no more.” The boots start up again. Another knock. It gets closer and closer. With horror you turn to look at this poor homeless couple. They have got to get up. Get up and flee from Bethlehem, flee from the country, go to Egypt. If they don’t, Herod will get the Christ child. The entire salvation of the world rests in this baby that cannot defend himself. If they do not get up, move quickly, the sword will be drawn, the blow felt, and everything will be lost. But they are so tired, so worn out. You want to panic. The marching is going louder and louder. The pain so close. What kind of God would rest the fate of the world on a couple such as this? Get up. Get up. Get up. For the love of God rise and do everything to protect this child. Six years ago, Mel Gibson shocked Hollywood when his self-financed The Passion of the Christ made $611,899,420 worldwide at the box office. Tinsel town had for decades shied away from Biblical epics, not because it is a liberal bastion, but because the people who put the money up are conservative. For the most part, people do not lay down their hard earned money to watch on the screen stories you can hear in church. Mark Twain once remarked that he did not understand why everyone wanted to spend eternity in heaven, when an hour in church seemed like too much at times, and two hours on a Friday or Saturday night is way, way too much. Hollywood has tried before, many, many, many times before. They did, although it has been awhile. The last time was in the mid-80s. In 1985, the hottest young actor in America, Richard Gere, signed up to play King David. No expense was spared. The film tanked, taking home just $5.1 million. To put this in perspective, that made it 114th at the box office that year. Three years later they tried again. One of America’s greatest directors, Martin Scorsese, was moved by the Nikos Kazantzakis novel on the life of Jesus. Much like Gibson’s film, The Last Temptation of Christ was a labor of love. The result, $8.4 million at the box office. It did crack the top one hundred grossing films of the year. It finished 97th. More importantly, it was a pain in the backside for executives because it was controversial. Some religious folk who had never seen the film were upset by some dream sequences. Letters were written. Protests held. Talking heads blabbered on and on. Like a kid playing with matches, lesson learned. Then came the crazy Aussie, Mel. With The Passion, the studios realized that there was money in them thar hills. (Although concession stand sales tanked because for some unknown reason, no one wanted to enjoy some popcorn and milk duds while Jesus is getting the snot beat out of him.) Maybe things had changed in mega-church, George Bush America? After all, a whole subculture of Christian movies, television shows, and cartoons had popped up. Companies like FoxFaith were founded. Numerous scripts were written. Several projects green lit. The race was on to give the far right what they wanted. The first Biblical story to make it to the big screen was The Nativity Story starring Keisha Castle-Hughes, the charming little girl from The Whale Rider. (If I had a young daughter, I would have her watch that film rather than the awful Hannah Montana stuff, as it is a story of empowerment, and a darn good story.) Results: $40 million at the box office, not even covering its nut, a money loser. More controversy. Castle-Hughes did what a lot of young girls do, and just prior to the release of the movie was an unwed and pregnant teenager. Plus, it seems a couple of the actors misread the story of Genesis and thought it said Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve. There were some man sandwiches happening. The other small budgeted Christian films that played in the multiplexes came and went and the Christian audience did not show up. Lesson learned. Not so fast. MGM is going to try one more time with Mary. Up and coming 23-year-old Camilla Belle (10,000 B.C., Push, The Lost World: Jurassic Park) is Mary. (At least if she gets preggers, she is not underage.) Hollywood heavyweight Al Pacino does a cameo as Herod (I was hoping he would have done his Scarface accent, but no luck.), Jessica Lange pops up as Anna, and Peter O’Toole puts in his 5 minutes as Symeon. If you want a synopsis of the movie, ummm, read the Bible, mainly the stuff in the Gospel of Matthew. Sadly, much like The Nativity Story, I do not see this film making its money back. It is nice enough, but I do not see any young man saying to his date, “I was thinking we could go see Mary, Mother of God and maybe do some necking afterwards. Hollywood has learned that Christians do not put their money where their mouths are. Lesson learned. Trust broken. Still, if you believe the story of Jesus, why would God let the entire fate of humanity rest in the arms of a peasant couple? With all apologies to the Catholic Church, they do not seem very special. Why would He trust the fate of humanity to someone as plain and ordinary as you and I? But, that is what God does. You do not have to believe in God or Jesus to carry love in your bosom. At times, life will beat you like Michael Vick’s dog. At those moments when you are tired, exhausted, worn out, on your knees, ready to give up, it is easy to give into anger, cynicism, selfishness, and apathy, but when you do that Herod gets the Christ child and he dies. When you listen to the ministers of hate, the child dies. When you do not defend the poor, help the weak, provide hope to the hopeless, Herod gets the child, the best of you, and He dies. For the love of God, get up, protect the child in you. Although it does not seem like it, the fate of humanity rests with you. Get up. Get up. For the love of all things holy in you, rise. Verdict: A Nice Enough Movie That Few Will See
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